I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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