Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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