1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
