Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
