My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
