The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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