I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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