Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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