I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
