Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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