If i come over, it means nothing
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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