Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
