I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
