Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He felt like a one man threesome
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
