How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
