Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
