Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
