Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
