I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
