i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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