Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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