I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
