he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He keeps bees of course he's weird
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
