Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
