I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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