You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
