If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
