i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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