Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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