so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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