so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
