So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
