The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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