Your dad touched me again.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
