I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It's shark week go big or go home
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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