If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
if i died would you start the facebook group?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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