You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
sick fucks of a feather flock together
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
