I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
