I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
