u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
