I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
