Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
