If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
