I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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