Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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