it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
