I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
