and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
