when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
