Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
