did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
