Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
